Ahh, the classic self doubt strikes again. For me, it strikes just before I start a job (usually as I'm talking it over and getting all of the details on the phone with the client). I always say yes even if I don't think I'm capable of doing the job. My friend and brilliant TV composer Sam Watts once told me 'say yes and worry about how you'll do it later'. This really resonated with me and I've taken it with me since. It makes perfect sense. After all, you'll probably never feel 100% ready to take on a job that is pushing you to your limits in terms of what you think you're capable of...
So, am I really good enough? We all ask ourselves this question on a day-to-day basis. At least I do... I was at the Yellow Technology event in London a few months ago and was speaking to a high-profile TV composer (who I won't name), and even he was saying that he felt like he was going to get 'found out' and that he felt like a 'bit of a fraud'. I was amazed to hear that even at the top level of TV music, there was evidently just as much self doubt and nervousness about getting the job done. Ultimately, I guess this feeling is never going to go away.
I'm not sure about other people but I do beat myself up pretty hard when I'm not doing as well as I think I should be, or when I've made mistakes. I've never really been happy with anything that I've done in my life, which I guess is quite sad, but I know it keeps me pushing to try and get to what I perceive as 'the next level'.
My main point in all of this is for those people just starting out and trying to get their foot in the door (in what can only be described as a pretty unforgiving business) is that it's entirely possible. Anyone can do it, but in my opinion, it takes so much more than just being a good musician these days. There are a million and one good musicians these days, and most are well versed in using technology, which is also a pre-requisite for working in Film/TV music. I've thought from the outset that I need to be more than just a musician. I need to be half businessman, half musician. People will try and walk all over you, and it happened to me very much so a few years ago. I learnt from my errors, picked myself up and moved on. Be savvy on the business side, and the music side will come with it too as long as you're focussing fully on it and doing it everyday.
Sorry if this blog was a little more self indulgent than the previous ones. I hope it's been of use!